It's true!!!

The day they brought old Adam down


November 21, 2006


Workers and the oppressed were on the streets across the world yesterday in celebration as capitalism was brought to its knees by the heroic actions of protesters in Melbourne over the weekend. In two short days, poor old Adam Smith's entire capitalist system was consigned to the wheelie bin of history as the Melbourne activist movement put forth a mighty effort against the hated ruling class.


"I really think this vindicates the protest movement here" said Carnival Against Capitalism organiser Jacinta Tarquin. "We cop a lot of flak from the media, of course - but also a lot of internal criticism, asking how effective are rallies like these. Well, here's your answer."


The delegates to the G20 conference hosted in Melbourne last weekend called a hasty media conference to explain to Rupert Murdoch and James Packer why they were out of a job. "Clearly the message from the anti-capitalists was too loud and strong to ignore," explained Peter Costello, ex-treasurer. "The chants, the speeches, the placards, the leaflets, all combined into a force that was just too strong for market forces to resist. We must shamefully but honestly concede defeat." Mr Costello has accepted a post of economic adviser to the Spartacist League.


The ex-governor of the Reserve Bank of Australia, Glenn Stevens, commented further: "I had no idea that we capitalists were doing such nasty things to people until I read one of these leaflets. I mean, I almost burst into tears and I've had a hard time reassuring my children and pets. All I can say is thank God for free speech."


Ex-prime minister John Howard hurried home from his junket in Vietnam to reassure Liberal voters that their standard of living will not change. "I don't think there will be major repercussions against the rich and powerful," he told media. "I have been given assurances by the leading left-wing parties such as the DSP and Socialist Alternative that the redistribution of wealth will be relatively painless."


Despite being on the losing side, former police chief commissioner Christine Nixon praised the bravery, strength and tactics of the protest shock troops the Anarcho Bloody Barmy Army (ABBA). "I have to admit the enemy had the tactics, the skills, and definitely the support of the majority to defeat the police," she told Indymedia. "I am greatly impressed with ABBA and am confident they will be able to take on any major challenges in the future, as the glorious workers/poor/queer/women's/indigenous/significant-others republic grows."


Praise for the decisive battle that changed history came also from the ordinary masses, now committed to environmentalism and gender equality thanks to ABBA's altercation with the police. "God, I wished I was out there with them," sighed Mavis Horne, 78, of Gentle Meadows Hostel, Glenroy. Her daughter Angela, 54, visiting Mavis with her own granddaughter Celeste, 4, nodded in agreement. "I would have loved to have taken little Celeste to the front of that protest," she said. "I think the bravery and clear-sightedness of those class warriors set a wonderful example for children." When asked for comment, little Celeste giggled and buried her head in her grandmother's arms, clearly just as happy as the oldies about the victory for the working class.


As a new dawn of hope and peace sends its first rays across a world free from the scourge of misery, slavery and reality TV, we can only pause to thank the Melbourne activist and protest communities for their incredible efforts. They said they couldn't make it, but they finally came through - and this one's for you.


Andrew McIntosh, Glenroy